Decided on You
by songtofly
Summary: "I decided on you, don't you get that? I decided on you. I don't want to go fucking other people and then walk around feeling nothing. I like the smell of your hair, and I like the sound of your voice, and I fucking decided on you." (Inspired by the quote of the HBO series, Girls.)
1. Chapter 1

She's too tired to entangle her limbs from his.

She had done it the three last times before today, but he didn't seem to get the hint. Either that, or he was being stubborn. It takes her by surprise, though, that this time he lets go of her as soon as she rolls on her back and stares at the ceiling with her arms away from his body, a sigh escaping her swollen and moist lips without her even realizing, and he seems to understand.

He doesn't touch her, simply and silently rolls to the other side of the bed and opens a drawer next to him, taking out a cigarette that he lights up.

The room is quiet and just as cold as she wishes her heart could be. Petra never felt shame regarding her emotions and how she displayed them. She has heard many say that they would be the death of her and she has always smiled at that, because how she handled her emotions shaped her and she could feel pain, happiness, sorrow, contentment, disappointment and accept them because when doing so, they couldn't break her. Life was never meant to be like the one she had when carried in the arms of her daddy, and he did a great job making her understand that.

Petra had to feel. She has to feel and she never bothered hiding anything from anyone.

"I thought we got past this stage," Levi says, letting out a puff to the side and his tone is expectant, hopeful even, for her to turn around and at least spare him a look but she doesn't and he feels the urge to ask her, "What's wrong?"

Petra doesn't want to look at him, she knows that the moment she will shift towards him and see how his hair is a tousled mess, see how his body is marked because of her, her heart will swell and every inch of her will scream "I love you" all over again when it needs to stop.

"I think we should stop this altogether," she merely tells him, trying to keep her voice calm and steady, "It won't lead us anywhere," but it wavers and she's scared he might unveil the lie behind her words.

He doesn't answer straight away. He puts one of his arms on his chest and takes a long drag, carefully weighing her words. Petra knows he is smoking because he is nervous, Levi has never been a smoker and the times Levi felt like killing himself a little were times when he did not know how to handle the situation he found himself in.

"Maybe," it's more like a whisper, a little bit defeatist, and Petra hopes he will not ask questions, "but I love you," he continues and as soon as he says that she wishes she could make him swallow those words and make him choke on them, never hear them again. It's painful and the knot in her throat is getting bigger with each second passing by and for the first time of her life, the thought of bursting into tears in front of him scares her more than she'd like to admit.

"Yeah," she sighs, closing her eyes to ease the sting of tears that threaten to form, "me too," her voice betrays her, and she briefly bites her lip as her chest rises up, taking a deep breath, and falls down.

"Well then, what's the matter with you?"

It's a simple question and Petra could answer and be honest with him, crawl up against his chest and draw patterns on his arms, take that cigarette and throw it away as she would talk and he would listen and try his best to help her but he can't. She wants to avoid making him feel empty and helpless, break him even more than he already is.

"Nothing, I'm just tired of this," but the heavy, ugly, lurking tears are growing on the edges of her eyes so she leaves the bed and picks her clothes up, fumbling when trying to put them on; her back facing him the whole time just so that he can't rummage through the façade she built and is currently trying to maintain, the light trembling of her lips making it all too obvious that she is about to break down. She is glad he doesn't move towards her.

"Fuck!" he snaps and she swiftly turns around, startled, only to see him throw the cigarette which ends up hitting the wall and rolling on the floor, smoke still dancing in the air, "We were fine for a long time, you said you were happy with me, I told you I loved—no, I told you I love you a long time ago and I've never stopped," and he stands up, bending once to fetch his trousers, "What is it that you want?" he angrily asks while he buttons his pants and she notices the faint trembling of his fingers, "Tell me, and I'll fucking give it to you."

She tenses, breath catching up in her throat and suffocating her but she keeps staring, her mind frozen, mouth open with no words coming out when normally she does enough talking for the both of them.

Her silence is the worst and he wants to hear her talk: she could say anything, insult him even, and he needs her to talk but she doesn't. She is not the Petra he knows, or perhaps this is a side of her that he has never encountered before. It's funny to Petra, because she assists to the awakening of a facet of hers that she has always dreamed of embracing; under different circumstances, that is. And ironically, this is how she must react to protect it and this is how it destroys her.

"You can't," she states and surprises herself when she looks him in the eyes, holding his gaze, voice distant and cold.

"I decided on you, don't you get that? I decided on you. I don't want to go fucking other people and then walk around feeling nothing. I like the smell of your hair, and I like the sound of your voice, and I fucking decided on you."

Something breaks inside of her, the droplet of sweat rolling down her spine sending shivers throughout her body and she starts shaking, losing control over the emotions she kept boiled up this entire time, viciously eating her up.

"I'm pregnant."

The sentence escapes her insides and lingers, heavy, in the air before smashing them against the wall of fatality. She could feel her throat drum while saying it, the words staggering her heart and making it skip a beat, but she isn't dead when it's silent during that split second and it sets off again. Harder, louder and it cracks with each pulse.

His eyes widen and his lips part, the color draining from them, his arms falling loose at his sides and this is the sight she has been avoiding, "I'm pregnant and it's not about me anymore," she shrugs as tears run down her cheeks, "This little baby did nothing to deserve any of this and as his mother, I can't stand the thought of him growing up with the constant fear of losing his parents," she sniffs, using the sleeve of her shirt to wipe away the seemingly endless flow of silent tears, so salty on the tip of her tongue and so bitter in her heart, "In an ideal world, this baby would have had us both around, but I know we can't have you," she gives him a sad, weak smile, and she wants to hug him and grab his hands and put them on her belly, see his eyes widen, but not in shock, just in pure amazement and love, "So I'll be there. I'll be a dad and I'll be a mom."

He lets himself fall against the wall behind him, and a thud reaches her ears but his voice doesn't.

"I decided on you from the beginning, but you're not the only one anymore, Levi," she falls on her knees, sobs echoing through the room, arms hugging her quavering body in a failed attempt to calm herself down. And oh, how she craves his touch, strong, warm and soothing right now but all she has is the cold of her hands.

He's lost, and she is too, but one of them has to be strong for the three of them, so she says it fast and she does not hesitate. She comforts herself in thinking that the faster she will say it, the faster she'll break them both and the sooner the pain will go away, just like when she removes a bandaid from an open wound – if only the pain was the same.

"I decided on the baby, Levi."


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Second chapter is up! Third chapter should be posted in the next few days. I'm sorry it took such a long time, I totally forgot I posted this. ;_;_

_Again, reviews are greatly appreciated!_

_Enjoy!_

* * *

Levi worries, gets upset and he is no exception to escape the hungry claws of Fear. He just doesn't want to give that bitch the satisfaction of twisting his features when she can already twist his insides. Levi is merciless, but Levi also cares and gets hurt. He worries for his soldiers and only shows them by voicing it. But right now, all the resolutions he's ever taken shatter like a mere fragile cup of coffee hitting the cold floor.

She insists on taking part in the next expedition and he thinks as he watches her angry eyes that she shouldn't even use the pronoun "I", because she's not alone in that body of hers, and that mere thought scares him shitless.

Not that he loves the living being growing in her, he doesn't—he doesn't know, he doesn't know who that is, he doesn't know where it came from (he knows but it's a distant thought, something he hasn't grasped the meaning of, yet) and he feels like the only thing it has done is taking the woman he loves away from him, and it drives him mad how everything is a contradiction because, again, a part of him is glad because at least he prefers that to death taking her away from him. If she doesn't die because of her stubbornness, that is.

She still fights him, shouts at his face and her fist lands on his desk with such force that his pen moves.

"Sit down, Petra," he calmly orders her but she doesn't obey, she keeps walking in his room with her hands clutching her hair as she breathes hard.

"I WANT to, and I will go! I'm still a soldier and you're still my Captain and I still have comrades and I don't want to leave like this, I want to remember what it feels like to fly, I want to remember what it feels like to have blades in your hands and to know that it is up to you; that the fate of Humanity depends on you," she stops and lets her arms fall loose at her sides before pointing a finger to her chest, "I want to remember, and this doesn't lessen my abilities as a Soldier. Captain, with all due respect, I'm still a valuable Soldier of your Squad, the one with the highest titan kill and you have no reason to exclude me like I am a burden, for I am not. I will participate in the next expedition; I will do it for Humanity."

"Petra," is all he can manage, and he secretly hopes that the way he says her name will tug a string at her heart and make her understand that, just as she had told him a few days prior, it is not about her anymore.

Nothing he says that day makes her change her mind.

* * *

He wakes up with a bad feeling nibbling his insides. He tells himself that if he were to believe some kind of irrational warning, he could just call himself superstitious.

He is not superstitious.

When she gets on her horse he feels a lump in his throat grow. When they leave the walls it turns against itself and a knot forms in his stomach.

Since then the air all around him doesn't seem enough to steady his fast beating heart—and he knows it isn't the excitement of a new expedition starting.

His eyes follow her everywhere. He keeps glancing back at her, just to make sure she's still there, just to make sure she's still breathing and that nothing constitutes a threat to her.

Auruo is the first one to notice the fact that his movements are a bit off, that although he is physically there, his mind seems to be elsewhere. Auruo shares his concern with him, tells him that they can carry on the mission without him, tries to reassure him but this whole time, Levi only looks at Petra's small form as she fends the air with her blades aiming at the titan's nape, mouth open in a scream that is all too familiar – except this time he doesn't know if she's only angry at the titans.

"Captain?"

"Make sure you survive, Auruo," Levi tells him before he pulls himself through the air again, aware of Auruo's loud "Yes, sir!".

One of his 3DMG's wires gets stuck in a branch and he curses himself because it wouldn't have happened if he wasn't pouring all of his attention searching for her, and for a split second he wonders if she likes disappearing just like that, just to make him pay for doubting her skills as a soldier.

Before he can land on a branch to fix it, he catches the sight of an abnormal running towards him, jumping as he gets closer to him, and again he curses under his breath, readying himself to act just in time and spin around while knowing his movements will probably be restricted because of the stuck wire. He needs to be fluid and fast, he needs to be exact. A second can cost him his life.

He can't afford that. He can't die.

Just as he narrows his cold eyes, focusing on the titan's moves, grip around his blades tightening, he sees a red liquid emanate from behind the giant's neck and feels hot blood smacking one of his cheeks. The titan ends up falling to the ground and he takes the occasion to finally land on the damned branch to fix his wire.

He doesn't even feel her as she stops next to him with grace, and she just tells him she's glad her Captain's still alive before leaving him again.

* * *

She is no longer a member of his Squad and she is no longer a soldier of the Recon Corps and she is no longer his lover but she is still the mother of his kid.

She doesn't tell him where she is going but she tells him she will stay at her dad's place for a while, just long enough for her to find a new house she can call home, and he doesn't know how they end up in his bed again.

It isn't as sweet, as passionate or as rough as it used to be; it's a tangled mess of despair and sadness and guilt and she breaks down before any of them reaches their climax, collapsing in his arms with her hands hiding her eyes as she cries her heart out. He holds her, his grip tight around her trembling form and he can't help but wonder. Will this kid be considered a bastard? Will this kid grow with hatred in his veins and wonder what kind of fucked up asshole got his mother pregnant and left? Will this kid fight in the dead of the night against shadows that are as real as the pain he feels when he has nobody to call "dad"? Will this kid trust the hooded men who will give him a needle and talk to him about a place where happiness exists and where loneliness is only the shadow of a chimera, will he trust them when they will tell him that he will enter that world when the needle pierces holes in his immaculate skin?

Will he?

Levi knows that pain all too well, he knows because he is a bastard, a fatherless child who got lucky, chose his own family and survived but still grew up alone and never got to call anyone "papa".

Petra wouldn't let the brat grow up like that, of course she wouldn't. Petra would make a fantastic mother, and he is being selfish when he wonders if Petra will be enough for the kid.

Isn't he?


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: FlightlessLeaf: Thank you for the nice words! And I don't know if you've read this on tumblr? But in any case there will definitely be a short sequel after this chapter as I was asked multiple times to add a little something that isn't as sad. So yeah, there will be a short bonus. :)

I'm so sorry this is late again, but life has been keeping me busy. Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

He doesn't visit her father's home when she leaves. He doesn't for months because he is a coward and he can't face the man's judging and knowing look when he already hears his voice shout "You liked fucking her, right? It was good, right? You loved it, but the moment she needed you because of something you've done, you didn't fucking try to support her at all. I'll fucking kill you."

Levi thinks about it all the time, wonders how she deals with the pregnancy and everytime he sees a woman walking down the street with her hand over her round belly, he wonders if Petra does the same, if Petra lovingly talks to the growing life inside of her and if Petra thinks that it's Levi's flesh and blood, too.

He wonders if she sleeps at night, if there is a man who holds her in his arms when the pain is unbearable and showers her sweaty forehead with kisses while he knows she's suffering because of someone else's child.

The thoughts are too overwhelming, and in the dead of night they turn into shadows, various shapes that leave his eyes wide open, or clenched shut, breath caught in his throat as he waits for them to strangle him but they never do. They brush against his forehead and he gets so cold, they breathe against his neck and shivers run down his spine and it isn't a pleasant sensation at all.

So one night, he gets drunk and Hanji finds him; they always do. They expect him to throw up when his features violently twist but what comes out of his mouth are words, words that tell them his blood is cursed because he's bastard and an asshole and his kid is a bastard, too. Words that explore the possibility of Petra falling in love with one hell of a handsome guy, with a sharp mind and big sky blue like eyes, the same ones you could lose yourself in –nothing like his cold eyes, icy and narrow and intimidating. Like Erwin, she should have ended up with a guy just like Erwin because Erwin could have been a great lover and husband if it weren't for his actual position. He's responsible, he's stable, he's not broken because of his childhood and he's smart. How could a man like that soil her like he did?

That's how Hanji learns about Petra's pregnancy, and they listen to him howl like a wounded animal on their shoulder, grab his hands when he's about to pull his hair and tell him it's okay. They tell him Petra loves him—he corrects them with the past tense—because he is simply him, because Petra knows Levi more than he'd like to admit, for the way his eyes may look cold but she knows it's a façade, and they tell him he deserves that love.

When Hanji wraps blankets around him, they whisper "I love you, Levi, I really do," and maybe he can believe that, but when they tell him that the kid will love him too, he cringes.

Alcohol doesn't seem like a good option to chase the shadows away, because even drunk, Levi can't believe crap like that.

* * *

When nine months pass—he had been counting—he finds the courage to head for her father's house. He doesn't want to see him, and he doesn't want to see her and he doesn't want to see the kid's face. He doesn't want to do anything but his feet still lead him to the front door of the small house and he stands there for hours, staring at the wooden door with nothing in his hands, and his face as a lame excuse.

When he feels his neck burn because of the sunlight, he knocks once. He nearly swears when it's not her father that opens the door for him.

A tall, handsome blond man with blue eyes and a warm expression stands before him and he grits his teeth before he knows it, fists at his sides and he wishes the look he's giving blondie could kill him.

"Hello," the man greets him as if Levi's expression went unnoticed, "May I help you?"

"I—I want to—"

"Honey, who is that?" a muffled soft feminine voice stops him right in tracks and as the man turns his head towards the source of the sound, Levi wonders if she is going to show up. Is her hair longer? Does she wear sundresses? Does she still smile as often as she used to by his side? Or does she smile and laugh more? Does she dream of him the same way she haunts his nights?

He thinks blood has left his face when the woman joins them and stands next to her husband, a bundle cradled in her slender arms.

She's not Petra, and he feels the tense in his muscles disappear, his shoulders dropping as relief washes away all the effect the dreaded scenarios of how her life must be right now left on him. Petra's not with that man.

It would have been fine if it were just for that, but now he has no address.

* * *

He comes back from another expedition.

He walks, following Erwin and he doesn't feel like he owes the eyes that feed on his shell—questioning, blaming him—shit, so he ignores them and just walks forward, involuntarily tugging at the reins of his tired horse.

He stops when a kid falls just in front of him, probably pushed by the crowd who pays no attention as to whom is standing where. She's wearing a skirt and the moment she starts to cry, hands still on the stony ground, Levi guesses she must have scraped her knees.

He bends down and offers her a hand.

"Kid," he tells her so that she'd look up, "Kid. Hey, kid. You okay?"

The child glances up and her crying stops, sniffing instead and nodding. She places her little hand in Levi's and he gently pulls her up as he asks her, "Where are your parents?"

"Dada's not here, dada's at home," the girl tells him and he thinks he can discern guilt in her voice.

"Then why aren't you with him?"

"I told him I'd play with my friends and he said I shouldn't play far away from home but this really cool guy in my neighbourhood said the Wings of Freedom would walk down the street," she stops and looks at her wounded knees, "I don't know what the Wings of Freedom are, but I wanted to see anyway."

"The show's over, kid. Go find your friends and go back home," he tells her and a huff leaves the girl's chest.

"They're not here anymore. And—" she looks away and chews her lower lip, "I never came here before. I think I don't know where I am," she confesses with tears pooling in her eyes.

_Great_, Levi thinks as he runs a hand through his hair, sighing.

"Let's take care of your knees first," he decides and lifts her off of the ground to put her on his horse before joining her to prevent her from falling. The child must be six or seven, he thinks, and he just doesn't want to take risks until they get to the Recon Corps HQ.

Hanji quickly takes her under their wing, gently cleaning the wounds on her little knees, cooing as they do so, "You're a brave girl, aren't you? Look at you, what a big brave girl! I bet you don't even need candlelight when you sleep at night, right? Such a strong darling girl!"

Levi's leaning against the opposite wall, listening to their ramblings and he can't help the little smile creeping on his lips as the kid reaches out and strokes Hanji's hair.

"You're nice, thank you," she tells them and the sound that Hanji makes isn't even one that could be qualified as human, and Levi smirks to that, shakes his head and looks out of the window, thinking about the multiple excuses he could give Erwin when seeing the kid but Hanji figured that out before it even crossed his mind, and they leave him and relieve the burden of explaining the situation to the Commander; Erwin is most likely to listen to them anyway.

So he sits next to the child and waits. The kid is not very talkative, she does not initiate conversation at all, too busy staring at her knees or playing with her fingers, and for a long moment he just looks at her.

She has long black hair reaching past her tiny shoulders, big blue eyes and a little button nose in the middle of a face heavy with full rosy cheeks.

"Kid," he starts, "What do your parents do for a living?" he asks her.

"My mommy and my daddy have wings on their backs like angels."

That leaves a sting in his heart and it's a reminder that somewhere between these Walls, there's his kid and he only has his mother and it isn't because his father is dead. It's because his father chose this over his mother.

"I'm sorry, kid," he means it and he slowly ruffles her hair.

"It's okay, they're heroes. The best ones are always the ones who leave first," she looks at him, trying to pull off her most convincing and serious look but she doesn't succeed and it is clear to him that she is confused, speaking words older than her little mouth, "I don't really understand what it means but dada says so, and dada's right," she stops and pouts, "He's right most of the time, he's not right when he tells me I need naps. I don't need naps. I don't like sleep."

He blinks at her, wants to laugh and tell her that if she were to stay here, she wouldn't sleep for the rest of her life but she's just a kid and he may be a helpless case but he knows better, so he just tells her the thing that seems right to his ears, "Just listen to your… dada? Grandad? He knows best, I guess."

Hanji joins them later and tells Levi they must give her to the Garrison: they will take care of her and bring her back to her family. He shrugs, tells Hanji he has things to work on and pats the girl's head before heading for the door.

"Would you mind telling me what your name is, princess?" He can hear Hanji asking from where he is in the hallway, still walking, and he doesn't know if it is just his mind that wants to fuck with him but it sure must be an even bigger fucker than he is for choosing the name "Isabel" to play in his ears.

Later that night, Hanji tells Levi that, surpringly enough, Erd knows who the little girl is and he has proposed himself to bring her back home. The same night, he can't help but feel that there was some kind of sign at some point he should've grasped but he doesn't ask Erd about a thing the next day.

* * *

He should have asked Erd back then, though. Isabel loves Erd, and she spends more time with him than any trainee spends time with an elite soldier.

Isabel is a strong young teenager, she's smart, fast, gracious and efficient.

And something about her smile makes him feel sick because she may not have Petra's obvious features but she is all Petra. She's just as soft, she smiles just as much and Levi starts wondering if he isn't going mad when a little voice in his head affirms that she might just be his kid.

He starts doing unprofessional things, things like observing her from afar for different reasons than establishing her strengths and weaknesses. His eyes look at her small form and she is just about the same height as Petra, and she speaks the same words as the strawberry-blonde. She's a happy virus walking among death and sadness and sorrow and she reminds him of her so much but he knows her parents are dead because she told him so, years ago.

She survives her first expedition but doesn't cry; he's never seen her cry, if she isn't smiling then she is just pulling one stoic expression and it is such an impossible door to break through that he can never guess what she is thinking about when he always, always, knows what goes through the newbies' minds.

She doesn't cry and disappears the same night and he finds her in front of his door, knocking at a slow, awkward pace, her fist dragging down the wood and he wants to swear but the moment he opens the door the words die in his throat because first: it is her, second: her eyes aren't the same and third: there is a bottle in her hand.

"Levi," she smiles and runs a hand through her short black hair, "S'rry, _Captain_ Levi. Why are you in my room?"

"This is my room, cadet. And you're drunk."

"No shit?" she blinks and narrows her eyes the moment his hand tries to grab the bottle but she moves it right away, "Don't fucking touch my bottle. I'll kill you. I'm not kidding."

His lips part and he takes her by the elbow, gently tugs so that she comes in to close the door behind them.

"I know that coming back from your first expedition is a hard thing, but this isn't wise, cadet," he calmly tells her and by the way her eyes try to focus on him, he knows she is making an effort, "Give me the bottle, I can help you."

She does say something, but it's nothing like what he was expecting.

"What makes you think I'm drinking because I just came back from an expedition?" she nearly shouts, bottle falling to the floor and liquid spilling all over it, "What do you know? Huh? Look, my grandad is somewhere inside these Walls and he hates me. He hates me because I killed my mom by coming to this world and my dad is the biggest asshole you could imagine, he's such an asshole that my grandad claims he is dead, but I was such a little brat. What could I understand when he told me that my dad is dead_ to him_? How could I know that he just meant that my dad used my mom and ditched her? And I've had to look like him and remind him everyday, because why else can't I be as pretty as my mom, with honey hair and golden eyes? What is my life? I joined this because I don't know what to do, I joined this because my only family doesn't want me and the only person who I can call family is in your Squad and he actually talks to me about my mom and he tells me my dad is a hero and I'm just lost in a world full of bullshit."

He doesn't know how to react but the look in her eyes scream Petra and in his ears he hears both of their voices, he hears Petra tell him it's best that they end this, he hears Petra tell him that she decided on the baby, he hears Petra tell him she loves him, and he hears Petra cry, and he thinks he can take the ramblings of a young raging girl and it would be okay if she'd shut her mouth, but she doesn't.

"You may think I'm dumb, but I know you. I know who you are. And I fucking hate you, dad. I fucking hate you because all of this is because of _you_. You piece of scum. Do you know that she wrote letters to you? Do you know she wrote about every kick I gave her and do you know that she smiled even though the pain was _too much_? Do you realize she said "I love you, Levi" in every letter? And she was _sorry_ that _you_ couldn't experience happiness because she has, she was happy, and she loved me. She loved me enough to nearly fill the void you left. And now she's dead. And I don't know why I feel like it's your fault and not mine."

And just as blood left his body years ago when Petra left him, it leaves him again and his mind goes blank. Something within him is unleashed and he doesn't realize he's next to her until she falls to the ground with her hand on her cheek and a strangled cry in the air. She slowly lifts her head until her scared but defiant blue eyes stare deep into his and he starts feeling pain spreading in his palm.

He just slapped her.

"Did you just—"

"I loved her, okay? I fucking loved her and I—"

"Don't you fucking dare tell me it's not your fault and that you're sorry! You can shove sorry up your ass for all I care," she stands up quickly, the spot in her cheek reddening with each second passing by and she stands so close to him that he feels her ragged breaths hit his collarbones, "It takes two to do this, and it was your responsibility but you chose this over her—you chose this over _me_, and I—" her lower lip starts trembling at the last words, and she repeats "I" twice again with tears on the verge of her eyes, "I have every right to be selfish."

He doesn't know what to say and he doesn't know if the pain he feels is physical, but he is damn sure that something inside him is tearing his flesh off, sticking needles in his beating heart and he just doesn't know what those are; those aren't hunger, they aren't the deep cut of a blade, they aren't even Petra's words years ago but somehow they've reached the core that Petra reached when she left and they managed to break through, hit an unknown ground and awaken something completely different; he wishes all of this was just a nightmare. Petra's dead. And his kid, that Petra named Isabel for some fucking reason, prefers fighting titans to the reality she lives in.

He feels shaking arms snake around his body and for the first time in his life he feels the beating heart of his own child against his, and he wonders if it's any different from the little kicks she must have given Petra and he wonders why he didn't leave the Recon Corps for them.

"I don't know if I love you, I think I do, dad. But I think I hate you more than I love you, Levi," she sniffs and he doesn't mind her wetting his shirt, "Mom wouldn't be proud and I know she wanted me to love you just as much as she loved you."

He doesn't know how many hours pass but they're on the floor and her head is still under his chin, fingers playing with her hair and for a moment he allows himself to close his eyes and imagine he's home; Petra is somewhere in the kitchen, probably cooking something for them, and Isabel is safely tucked in his arms and she's a teenager who's had enough love to drown the whole world and she doesn't have to worry about a thing. The smell of alcohol brings him back though, and he lifts her off the ground to put her in his bed.

She stirs and her fingers reach for his hands, but she's still sleeping as they curl around his forefinger just like a baby's would and that's it, that's when he feels something warm roll down his cheeks but it is so weird because his breathing is steady. Maybe those tears were the only thing left inside of him because he feels empty; he isn't angry, he isn't sad. He doesn't feel a thing anymore.

"I don't know about bedtime stories, I don't know shit about them," he tells her with a small voice just so she wouldn't wake up, "I know they start with "Once upon a time" so I'll just start with that and figure shit out eventually…"

* * *

He thinks he's heard many refer to him before they die. It usually is "Captain!".

Some scream for help, others claim that he will lead Humanity to success and peace. Some, under the deadly press of fear—and Titan's teeth—scream his name.

Once, he even heard "Big brother!".

It's the first time that he hears "Daddy!".

And he doesn't try to fight the Titan when it finally grabs him.


End file.
